Torchwood: Season 1 & 2 (BBC, 2006 - 2008)
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“Torchwood” is not really a good sci-fi show. It is not really well-written, has occasionally awful dialogue, the acting is hilariously bad at times, it can become soap operaishly melodramatic, and its plot has more holes than Gaza post-bombing, but it is also ridiculously entertaining to watch. I can complain all I want, but considering that I watched two seasons of it is less than two weeks shows that I was enjoying myself.

Some might call this a guilty pleasure, but I don’t believe in that term. It gave me a pleasure because its entertainment value is greater than it is flaws, and in some instances, it is entertaining because of it is flaws.

The show is a spin-off from “Doctor Who”. I had watched the latest installment of the show, but after a few episodes, I was bored of it and could not get into it, and I had consequently stayed away from “Torchwood”. So a certain someone (hi!) had to bring it up enough times for me to finally give it a chance. It is about a secret organization that deals with aliens and paranormal activities. A bit like the Men in Black, but Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones having less weapons, meeting fewer aliens, and Smith and Jones making out a lot.

Yes, that is right. “Torchwood” is, if I am not mistaken (and I usually am not), the first mainstream sci-fi show that has all its major characters swinging both ways. Jack, an immortal, time traveler kind of character and the leader of this branch of Torchwood, has no reservations about making out with people. And Jack makes kissing guys seem almost…well, manly.

Now, on to the fun part. One of my qualms about the show is that this branch of Torchwood staff really is useless at their job. Most of the threats to other people, the city, or the world seem to somehow be because of Torchwood’s incompetence. This doesn’t mean that the show knows this. Not at all, I’m almost sure that the writers and the producers probably didn’t even notice it themselves. I’m going to through each episode to show this. This part is only really useful to anyone that has actually SEEN “Torchwood”.

Season 1, Episode 1: Everything Changes: The killings were because of Suzie, Torchwood staff. She was stopped, but if Torchwood didn’t exist, those dead people would be alive.

Season 1, Episode 2: Day One: Gwen throws a tool at Owen and it hits the alien artifact, releasing an alien gas that enters a woman, and kills people. Gwen is generally the one that always fucks things over, and she is apparently the heart of the team.
Bonus incompetence, they catch the alien, and she escapes somehow because of Owen. Good job, team.

Season 1, Episode 3: Ghost Machine: They do a fairly okay job here. I mean, one person dies because of them, but maybe that is okay because the old man had raped and killed a girl decades earlier. Although, it is not like they planned to kill him, they did it by mistake.

Season 1, Episode 4: Cyberwoman: Ianto is hiding a cyberwoman in the Torchwood secret cave. Part of the cyberwoman used to be Ianto’s girlfriend, so he is keeping her alive, but cyberwoman are supposed to be a great threat to mankind, and they were responsible for killing the previous team. But Ianto still does it, the cyberwoman kills two people, and is finally stopped in spite of Ianto whining and crying. If she had escaped, it was possible she could have far more dangerous, but luckily she didn’t, no thanks to Ianto. Even though they nearly caused a major catastrophe, Ianto does not get fired, which is frankly a big problem with Torchwood’s not having a HR team. .This proves that even secret alien-fighting organizations need a HR team. Sure, Jack might be an immortal, but he does not have a hiring and firing Torchwood policy, which might have been more useful.

Season 1, Episode 5: Small Worlds: They didn’t fuck things up here, but that’s the best you could say about them here. The best they did in this episode was they didn’t fuck things up, because if they didn’t exist, the ending would have been exactly the same way. And even that is thanks to Jack. He allowed creepy fairies to take a small girl in exchange for the world not being destroyed. Good choice, but the other Torchwood members give Jack the cold shoulder because they think he did an immoral act. Seriously, Jack, fire them, these guys can’t see the bigger picture.

Season 1, Episode 6: Countrycide: A cannibal village is stopped by Torchwood. That is good. Although, again, only Jack stopped them. The rest of the group got themselves captured and nearly killed, but at the last moment Jack comes to their rescue, fucking shoots everyone, and case closed. Did Jack just want them to be on his team because he wants to make out with them? Because they hardly seem to be of any use.

Season 1, Episode 7: Greeks Bearing Gifts: Tosh makes out with an alien girl, falls in love, secretly sneaks her into Torchwood, and is thankfully stopped by Jack, because she was using Tosh all along.

Season 1, Episode 8: They Keep Killing Suzie: People die because of Suzie, ex-Torchwood staff (she is dead, but she had planned it in advance). They resurrect her to help solve the case, and then she tells Gwen a sad story about wanting to meet her father, so Gwen secretly sneaks her out. Suzie kills father and nearly kills Gwen, but is rescued by…you guessed it, Jack. All is forgiven though, because Gwen is the heart of the team.

Season 1, Episode 9: Random Shoes: No Torchwood related deaths here, but I think that is because there was no possibility of threat. They solve a mystery, and that is mainly due to the ghost of a dead person helping Gwen a bit. And the ghost helps Gwen from being getting hit by a car.

Season 1, Episode 10: Out of Time: Again, no threat here. Three people from the 50s accidentally enter a time rift and come to the present, and Torchwood takes care of them to settle in. Maybe they should just make Torchwood a sort of support group? Because they really are better at hugs than fighting bad guys.

Season 1, Episode 11: Combat: This is an episode like the movie Fight Club. They capture Weevils and fight them, Owen nearly dies (due to his own stupidity), but the team saves him. On the surface, it seems the team did a decent job here, stopping an underground fight ring. But then again, the group was capturing Weevils, and that is a plus, isn’t it?

Season 1, Episode 12: Captain Jack Harkness: Jack and Tosh get stuck in a different time, and Owen helps them by doing something that he is not supposed to do, and that is messing with the time rift. The consequences of his disobedience and incompetence will be shown in the next episode.

Season 1, Episode 13: End of Days: Something is going wrong in the city, and the rest of the team want to fully open the rift. Jack is telling them not to do it, they don’t listen, start a mutiny, Owen shoots Jack, and they open the rift. A big demon comes out, almost destroys the world, and is stopped by Jack. Torchwood almost caused death and destruction, almost the end of the world, the staff not only refuses to listen to their leader but also shoots him, and it ends with Jack hugging them.

Season 2, Episode 1: Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang: Jack’s ex-lover fools everyone into helping him even though Jack knows he is a liar and tells everyone he is a liar. They still help him, and the only reason nothing bad happens to them is because the ex-lover was fooled himself by another character (not Torchwood staff, they aren’t that smart). Gwen still nearly dies though.

Season 2, Episode 2: Sleeper: No complaints from me here. Torchwood does save the city from aliens. Finally, some they are of some use. Although, the alien does say that they can’t be stopped and the others are already here. They never bring this plot up again, so as far as I know, the aliens are continuing their plans, and Torchwood just forgot.

Season 2, Episode 3: To the Last Man: No fuckups here either, but to be honest, I didn’t really fully understand the conflicts that was represented

Season 2, Episode 4: Meat: A group has captured a big alien and they are cutting into it and selling the meat illegally. The alien is alive and keeps growing (very creepy and sad!). Torchwood stops this and kills the alien (because they can’t help it, so they put it out of its misery). Not entirely bad, but not really that useful either. They didn’t really help the alien and free, unlimited meat does seem to be good for humanity.

Season 2, Episode 5: Adam: An alien inserts false memories into the Torchwood staff, and only Jack figures it out and stops it. No threat to anyone aside from the staff’s memories.

Season 2, Episode 6: Reset: Torchwood stops a scientific facility that is experimenting with aliens on humans. That is good. But stopping the scientific facility is not necessarily that okay in my book, because the research was important in my opinion (curing all diseases!).

Season 2, Episode 7: Dead Man Walking: People die because of the team bringing some kind of death figure to the world. They stop it but not after it killing several people.

Season 2, Episode 8: A Day in the Death: Torchwood doesn’t fuck anything up, but because there was nothing to fuck up. No threats here. Owen DOES talk a woman out of suicide, which brings me back to how these guys are good at hugs.

Season 2, Episode 9: Something Borrowed: Gwen has an alien baby in her stomach, and it’s her wedding day. Jack tells her it is dangerous, but to Gwen her wedding day is more important than that so she goes anyway. A person at the wedding dies, the creature is stopped, and the wedding continues. No biggie.

Season 2, Episode 10: From Out of the Rain: Jack saves the day.

Season 2, Episode 11: Adrift: Gwen whines, fucks things up, but no one dies, so that is good. But then, no one’s life was really at threat.

Season 2, Episode 12: Fragments: A few back stories, but mainly it is a two-parter so…

Season 2, Episode 13: Exit Wounds: Kind of Jack’s fault. If no Jack, then no Grey, and that would mean no threat to the city.

As you can see, Torchwood is not really a beneficial organization to the city. All my mockery aside, the series is fun. The first few episodes were weak, but the latter half of Season 1 is good. Season 2 is much better, and a few weak episodes in the middle, but the final two episodes were fantastic.

3/5